It's been a month since I've been back in Canada ever since my big three year adventure in Japan. While I've been back, there have been many things that I had to do. Not only was I moving back to Canada, in a way, I was also moving again to a new area. This time with no pre orientation sessions like the JET programme nicely provided for me before and after my departure to Japan. Now that I have finally time to myself, I have had more time to reflect on this stressful period of my life.
Next week, I'll be attending orientations for my master's program and it's kind of unsettling personally that I feel like I have nothing prepared for it. After further thinking about it, I don't think I have ever been prepared for anything ever since I decided to move back and go to school back in Canada. I was so sure and set that I would find myself a job back in Japan and go from there. However, even then, I thought myself, no. I'm not ready for this just yet. What is it about this society that gives you so many options to take for your life but at the same time make you feel so limited in what options you are able to take at that particular point of life?
I was consulting about my fears and worries about the future to my friend the other day and I was sort of having troubles describing exactly what I was feeling. So I thought more metaphorically and it sort of got what I was trying to say. Everyone around me keeps telling me that most of my worries and anxieties stems from me always looking at the forest rather than the individual trees. Don't sweat too much about the whole picture and take things step at a time. I take their advice about that and try to look at it step by step but then realize, I start getting anxious about that. When that happens, people around me tell me to look at the forest. It always has been this back and forth and in a way in life you always need that balance. However what I realized was that because I got used to going back and forth so much, my source of my anxiety shifted to me wondering, am I even looking at the correct set of trees towards the big forest that I want to be in?
With all these worries and fears inside me and this unsettling feeling of being unprepared, I have been trying to settle here in the big city of Toronto. Stepping on campus grounds the other day, I realize the scale of work that I was about to embark on for the next two years. I had an informal coffee gathering the other day and as they kept talking, I should have done more research, I should be reading more academic articles, I should be doing this and that... all these thoughts kept circulating in my head and I was getting anxious.
Part of it as well is that I am still getting adjusted to the big city again after having lived in a tiny town where I could isolate myself easily. I am sure once school starts, I am introduced to everything during orientation, I will feel a little bit more prepared or something but currently, part of it is fear of the unknown and most of it is reverse culture shock. Reverse culture shock, something that people don't talk as much or don't feel as prepared. Oh now that you are back in your culture, it should be a piece of cake for you. But it's not. Three years may not seem like a lot but it is enough to change, it is enough to feel alien in your own country and miss the country you just left. (However, what is home in my case is still an ongoing question that I am tackling these days.)
However, I have chosen this tree as I have imagined a particular forest I want to be in but who knows where the set of chosen trees will take me. Maybe it will be a completely different type of forest that I had initially imagined. I am being hopeful despite all these emotions of anxiety being within me. We'll see how things will go.
This post is supposed to help me reflect and organize my thoughts and emotions a little bit. It's also a little bit for me to come to understand that I am experiencing reverse culture shock. Something I know I have experienced many times as I have always moved around since I was young. Now that I am older and can reflect on myself a little better, I think I am feeling the impact a little bit more. In order for me to move on, I need to accept rather than deny that I am indeed experiencing reverse culture shock. One shouldn't underestimate the impact of reverse culture shock. It is a little harder to recognize it at first. Yet it's reality.
Let's accept and tackle this! Well when orientation starts on Tuesday, who knows what will happen right? I'm going into this positively, albeit I am forcing myself, but it's necessary to not drown myself in the sorrows of shoulda woulda couldas right?
Anyone else going through something similar?
Next week, I'll be attending orientations for my master's program and it's kind of unsettling personally that I feel like I have nothing prepared for it. After further thinking about it, I don't think I have ever been prepared for anything ever since I decided to move back and go to school back in Canada. I was so sure and set that I would find myself a job back in Japan and go from there. However, even then, I thought myself, no. I'm not ready for this just yet. What is it about this society that gives you so many options to take for your life but at the same time make you feel so limited in what options you are able to take at that particular point of life?
I was consulting about my fears and worries about the future to my friend the other day and I was sort of having troubles describing exactly what I was feeling. So I thought more metaphorically and it sort of got what I was trying to say. Everyone around me keeps telling me that most of my worries and anxieties stems from me always looking at the forest rather than the individual trees. Don't sweat too much about the whole picture and take things step at a time. I take their advice about that and try to look at it step by step but then realize, I start getting anxious about that. When that happens, people around me tell me to look at the forest. It always has been this back and forth and in a way in life you always need that balance. However what I realized was that because I got used to going back and forth so much, my source of my anxiety shifted to me wondering, am I even looking at the correct set of trees towards the big forest that I want to be in?
With all these worries and fears inside me and this unsettling feeling of being unprepared, I have been trying to settle here in the big city of Toronto. Stepping on campus grounds the other day, I realize the scale of work that I was about to embark on for the next two years. I had an informal coffee gathering the other day and as they kept talking, I should have done more research, I should be reading more academic articles, I should be doing this and that... all these thoughts kept circulating in my head and I was getting anxious.
Part of it as well is that I am still getting adjusted to the big city again after having lived in a tiny town where I could isolate myself easily. I am sure once school starts, I am introduced to everything during orientation, I will feel a little bit more prepared or something but currently, part of it is fear of the unknown and most of it is reverse culture shock. Reverse culture shock, something that people don't talk as much or don't feel as prepared. Oh now that you are back in your culture, it should be a piece of cake for you. But it's not. Three years may not seem like a lot but it is enough to change, it is enough to feel alien in your own country and miss the country you just left. (However, what is home in my case is still an ongoing question that I am tackling these days.)
However, I have chosen this tree as I have imagined a particular forest I want to be in but who knows where the set of chosen trees will take me. Maybe it will be a completely different type of forest that I had initially imagined. I am being hopeful despite all these emotions of anxiety being within me. We'll see how things will go.
This post is supposed to help me reflect and organize my thoughts and emotions a little bit. It's also a little bit for me to come to understand that I am experiencing reverse culture shock. Something I know I have experienced many times as I have always moved around since I was young. Now that I am older and can reflect on myself a little better, I think I am feeling the impact a little bit more. In order for me to move on, I need to accept rather than deny that I am indeed experiencing reverse culture shock. One shouldn't underestimate the impact of reverse culture shock. It is a little harder to recognize it at first. Yet it's reality.
Let's accept and tackle this! Well when orientation starts on Tuesday, who knows what will happen right? I'm going into this positively, albeit I am forcing myself, but it's necessary to not drown myself in the sorrows of shoulda woulda couldas right?
Anyone else going through something similar?
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